AUSTIN, Texas — With the state of Texas’ entire supply of pentobarbital, the drug used for lethal injections, set to expire at the end of August, officials of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice today announced a plan to begin simply beating their inmates to death with large clubs.
“A bunch of pansy-ass drug makers don’t want their drugs used to kill people,” remarked department spokesman Jason Clark. “So we’re just gonna haul the SOBs into the yard and club ‘em to death. And if the club-makers get cold feet I’ll just go rip a branch off a tree myself.”
Earlier this summer, Texas celebrated its 500th execution since resuming the practice of capital punishment in 1982- almost five times as many executions as any other state during the same period. They are scheduled to execute seven more inmates this year, but only have enough time to carry out three death penalties before the drug passes its expiration date, meaning the last four will need to be beaten mercilessly about the head until they die an agonizing death.
While anti-death penalty advocates have applauded the pharmaceutical companies’ decision to prohibit the use of their drug in capital punishment, they were dismayed by the unexpected return to straight-up brutality within the Texas prison system. “We assumed that the State would step back and rethink its over-zealous policy of capital punishment once they were denied their death drug,” said Richard Dieter, executive director of the Death Penalty Information Center, an anti-death penalty organization. “Christ Almighty, what Hell have we unleashed?”
Clark admitted that there may be growing pains as the State adjusts to the new policy. “Some of our prison guards have not yet been trained in how to properly bludgeon someone to death,” he warned. “We expect the first couple of inmates to get maybe eight or nine solid blows to the head before death sets in.”
“But by next year, we should be up to speed and killing the defenseless inmates in a snap,” he added, snapping his fingers for effect.