UNITED STATES OF AMERICA — A new survey reveals that the recent decision by Defense Secretary Leon Panetta allowing women in the military to be sent into combat has the support of 95% of recently divorced men.
“Hell, yeah,” Greg Jarslag nodded, between knocking back brewskis at The Stool, a hole-in-the-wall bar in Toledo, Ohio. “Definitely. Send ‘em all over there.”
According to Gallup poll, 78% percent of recently divorced men favored putting women on the frontlines “tomorrow,” even if the U.S. wasn’t currently engaged in a military conflict.
“Not having anything to argue about never stopped my wife from fighting before,” chimed in Hank Paisley, divorced six months. “Just send her to some country we get along with fine but want their oil or something, and my ex will get a war started between us and them in fifteen minutes. Guaranteed.”
When it was pointed out that the United States has a volunteer army, Paisley nodded. “That’s fine. Can I volunteer her?”
Support for the decision among happily married men or those who recently got engaged was much lower.
In the poll, most respondents who favored putting women into combat cited “fairness,” or “equal rights.” Divorced men were the only group whose main reason for supporting the decision was “payback.”
Paul Guglio, a twice-divorced accountant said he thinks women like his ex could be used even more effectively to convince captured terrorists to reveal their attack plans.
“If my ‘ex’ Francine married a POW and started nagging him, it’d be a matter of days before the guy snapped, ‘please. Waterboard me. An electric prod. Something. I can’t take this anymore!”
Then he added, “Now that I think of it, making him marry Francine wouldn’t work. The Geneva Convention bans torture.”
A number of the divorced men sampled acknowledged that their recent experience had left them embittered, forlorn and defeated. But they said that only bolsters the case for women fighting on the frontlines.
Noted Paul Guglio, “Nine months ago, Francine was crazy about me. And now look at me. Can you imagine what she’ll do to someone she hates?”