Thank you for having me here today. I appreciate all of you the same way I appreciate working with and around deadlines. In this hectic day and age, it’s good to be on the forefront of what gives a news story legitimacy, like facts, details, facts, and accuracy. At the Post, we call this “Faccuracy,” a very clever portmanteau of the words “fact” and “accuracy,” as you can see, and we’re very proud of it. So let’s begin.
Running down the events of the past week, we turn to Boston, where the maniacal Bashar Al-Assad has threatened to ramp up New England’s nuclear program unabatedly, despite calls from the West to halt immediately. Meanwhile, the Confederate States of America has repeatedly stated that we will defend our staunch allies in Newfoundland and South Cape Cod.
Here at home in New York, the support for Mayor Giuliani’s sofa ban has been long since forgotten, in favor of opposing sides casting allegiance behind the counterpoints of the gum debate.
Why this liberal mayor of ours continues to push the banning of delicious chewing gum is beyond us here at the New York Post. We feel it is our God given right to chew gum, and to do so when we please. The Framers would be disgusted if they knew that government officials were overstepping their boundaries like this. No lawmaking organization should be telling you, the American people, what to put into your bodies.
I put strange things into my body all the time, every day of the week. Whether it’s this 170 proof grain alcohol, or some strange Chinese merchant’s powered mixture of ox-tail and cocaine, I need these things to continue my work. We all do. Please forgive us if we seem a little…eager.
Update #1: I’m being told that Mayor Giuliani has been out of office for several years. We here at the Post apologize to Mayor Koch’s office for the inconsistency in our reporting. We would like to assure our readers that this sort of thing happens in the fast-paced world of journalism.
We here at the Post are dedicated to bringing you information as soon as it becomes available, even if that information has not been verified, validated or even scanned before we run it. Hell, last week, someone squirted mustard onto the printing press, and we ran it as a story about fluctuating bitcoin prices.
Moving on to the Middle East now: Drones are bad. Drones can be good. Can someone tell me what a drone is? Uh huh, I see. Yes. Oh wow. That’s nifty. I mean, that’s awful.
Update #2: I’m also being told at this time that the President is black, abortion is apparently a thing, and not all Muslims are terrorists. We at the Post find this more than a little bit shocking. We’ll follow these late-breaking developments as more information becomes available, or as soon as our fax machine is refilled with paper.
We’d like to make a correction from an earlier posting: There is NO East Korea. There is a North Korea, a bastion of capitalism and free speech, and South Korea, a communist infested hell hole, much like San Francisco. We apologize for any confusion.
Join us in ournext issue, where we dedicate the first six pages to some random celebrity irrelevancy, then wonder why we’re not the premier one-stop news outlet in New York City.
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