World Rejoices as Supreme Court Strikes Blow Against Mimes

WASHINGTON — Carnival-goers and outdoor mall enthusiasts alike celebrated after The United States Supreme Court today ruled that a suspect’s silence could be used against them in a court of law as long as said silence comes before police have read the suspect his or her Miranda rights. The controversial 5-4 ruling was seen by many as a blow to the growing epidemic of “Mime Crime” where street performers wearing white makeup commit heinous crimes, only to stifle police investigations by remaining silent under questioning.

“For too long have these criminals run rampant over our justice system,” said Chief Justice John Roberts, who voted with the majority, along with the Court’s more conservative members: Justices Samuel Alito, Anthony Kennedy, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas. “With this ruling, we are sending a clear message that while a person’s silence is a right, and, in fact, cannot be used against them in a court of law, that if you run around in whiteface with a rubber nose or try to stay silent before you’ve been told you’re legally allowed to remain silent, we will hunt you down and destroy you.”

“I can’t tell you how many police officers have come up to me complaining about suspects escaping into their little invisible boxes under questioning,” added Justice Scalia. “Thankfully, the next time they try that shit, we’ve got another little box to stick them in.”

The Court’s four liberal-leaning Justices disagreed with the decision. “This is an affront to performers the world over,” wrote Justice Stephen Breyer and joined in dissent by Justices Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Sonia Sotomayor and Elena Kagan. “Mime is a long-established form of artistic expression and to suddenly criminalize the practice borders on lunacy.”

Experts worried that the historic nature of the case, formally known as Salinas v. Texas but informally known as Everybody v. Mimes, will be buried by the public’s fascination and animosity towards mimes.

“Does anybody realize what the Court just did? They are ripping Miranda to shreds, peice by peice!” said NPR’s legal affairs correspondent Nina Totenburg, referring to the fact that your right to remain silent no longer kicks in automatically, and that a person who refuses to speak to authorities is, in fact, incriminating himself or herself if the police have not yet read the suspect his or her Miranda rights. “They’re dismembering your rights until all that’s left is the bloody stump of freedom!”

Justice Scalia waved away such talk. “Blah, blah, blah,” he said. “Death to mimes!”