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Pope’s New Book Challenges Facts of Christmas, Birth of Jesus

VATICAN CITY — Just in time for Christmas, bestselling author Pope Benedict XVI is set to release “Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives,” promising that the third volume in his widely popular “Jesus” trilogy will blow the doors off the conventional thinking behind Christmas, The Virgin Birth, and two-thousand years of Christian history.

“The Good Lord knows that you must raise the stakes in the final volume of a trilogy,” bespoke the pope through an interpreter at a recent book signing. “I prayed for guidance from The Lord on how to top the shocking twist at the end of ‘Jesus of Nazareth: Holy Week.’ When I didn’t hear back from him, I decided to wing it.”

Many early reviews have focused on Pope Benedict’s debunking of numerous Christmas traditions, such as His Holiness’s belief that the Christian calendar is inaccurately based on a mistake made by a sixth century monk regarding the date of the birth of Jesus, the incorrect claim that angels sang at Jesus’ birth, and the fact that animals being present at His birth is not supported by the Gospels.

Global Warming Really Just People Stealing Glacier Ice

GENEVA — The ice caps are melting, glaciers are shrinking and polar bears are dying, but it’s not because of global warming. A three-year investigation has found that thieves have been stealing glacier ice and selling it as exotic ice cubes on the black market.

Glacier ice has become a hot commodity in recent years for upscale bars and restaurants that want to ensure premiere customers continue returning. One ton of glacier ice sells for about $1,000 on the black market, and a whiskey on glacier rocks will cost you about $30 a glass.

Glaciers have been disintegrating three times faster than in the 1970s, according to the World Glacier Monitoring Service at the University of Zurich. Scientists there have also noted that the average glacier has melted 25 feet since 1997. It used to be believed that this rapid glacier disintegration was because of global warming, but it is actually thieves chipping off the top of glaciers to make a quick buck.