NEW YORK — With most of its star-studded roster injured, attendance dipping 6% and TV ratings down a staggering 38%, the New York Yankees hope to boost fan interest by holding “Boo A-Rod Mercilessly Day” when slugger Alex Rodriguez returns from injury.
According to managing partner Hal Steinbrenner, even though “every day is Boo A-Rod Day at Yankee Stadium” the team has special plans for Rodriguez’s return. Among the festivities will be clips of Yankee greats telling him he sucks and bobble heads depicting him as a centaur. Fans will also receive a special DVD version of the YES Network’s Yankeeography, A-Rod: The Purple-Lipped Chump.
Though some in A-Rod’s camp say the Yankees are trying to humiliate him, or get him to reinjure – or claim to reinjure – his surgically repaired hips in order to avoid having to pay him the $144 million left on his insured contract, the Yankees say nothing could be further from the truth. “That is simply not how the Yankees do business,” said Steinbrenner, whose father once tried to blackmail another Yankee great to avoid making a contractually obliged charitable contribution.
“And of course we’re not attempting to commit insurance fraud – why would you even suggest that?” he added, to no one in particular.
The fans are looking forward to Rodriguez’s return. “I can’t wait to give that bum a piece of my mind” said Vinny Pastone, a construction worker from Staten Island. “All he does is embarrass the team, from the steroids, to sucking in the postseason, to giving his sexual conquests gift bags of his own memorabilia the morning after. What kind of egomaniacal sleaze does that?”
When informed that the last point was something shortstop Derek Jeter did, Pastone replied “Well, that’s Cap’n Jeets for you. Knows how to treat a lady. Class act all the way!”
In an interview with USA Today, A-Rod says he welcomes the chance to be jeered at on the biggest stage imaginable. “Most people would say, ‘Get me out of here. Trade me. Do anything.’ But I’m the fucking crazy man who goes, ‘I want to compete. I want to stay in New York. I refuse to quit.” He then began slapping his hands on his forehead, and said in a high pitched voice ‘WOOPWOOPWOOOPWOOP.”
All in all, General Manager Brian Cashman thinks that while A-Rod has had a rough decade in the Bronx, his place in team history is secure. “He’s over-priced, over-hyped, and over-entitled,” said the GM. “At long last, Alex Rodriguez is a True Yankee™.”
