NEW ORLEANS — The Baltimore Ravens beat out the San Francisco 49ers 34-31 on Sunday to take home their first Super Bowl title in thirteen years. Incredibly, the game also marked the 47th consecutive time the team that had spent the most time in prayer took home the Lombardi Trophy.
“The 49ers were great competitors, but we know that preparation, talent, and sheer dumb luck had nothing to do with our victory,” said Ravens quarterback and Super Bowl MVP Joe Flacco. “We simply had longer, more intense telepathic conversation with the omniscient, all-knowing presence we call God. And for that, we were rewarded with a Super Bowl victory.”
“I thank the Lord for taking his focus off of the disease and poverty-stricken parts of the world and dedicating it entirely to football on Sunday,” said Ravens linebacker and NFL legend Ray Lewis. “All glory to God.”
While members of the 49ers were clearly disappointed by Sunday’s result, most players openly acknowledged their lack of ritualistic communication with the invisible being that controls the outcome of all things, including sporting events, led to the loss.
“We fought our hardest,” said 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. “But as I watched my last throw sail over the head of Michael Crabtree, it became clear that my teammates and I hadn’t developed close enough personal relationships with Jesus Christ to win the game. We’ll try harder next year.”