Zero Dark Thirty Reviewed by a 16 Year-Old Girl Who Works at the AMC Multiplex

My name is Brittney, with two “T’s,” and I am 16 and I have worked at the AMC 14 at the Hanover Mall in Hanover for 6 months.  I like it okay. It pays minimum wage but we steal candy and stuff, so whatever. Anyway, I am reviewing the new movie “Zero Dark Thirty,” which I saw Friday night while working the night shift.

First, they had the previews and stuff and some ads for Coke and stuff. The trailer for “Grown Ups 2”

looked so awesome; I was lmao at Adam Sandler. He’s so funny. I would literally see him in anything. Then my noob manager came into the theatre and I had to go clean up puke in the ladies’ bathroom and also had to spit out my gum. Ugh. Then I came back and the movie started and I had to tell this POS. to turn off his phone.

So, the lead lady in the movie is Jessica Chastain, who was in “The Help,” which we watched last year in Social Studies class, because Mr. Sibley likes to go outside and smoke, so he puts on DVD’s. LO-SER. So, yeah, she’s all pretty and everything and sooooo skinny. I was kinda jeal. If I ever go above a size 8, I’m killing myself. ANYways…so she’s Maya and she’s all like a model but not IRL. She’s really smart and then there’s this REALLY cute guy who looks like Sam Worthington but is a little, I don’t know, badass, I guess. Like, you would tell him he could only touch your boobs but he’s such a bad guy he would, like, try to rub your va-jay-jay and you’d totally let him because he’s that sick looking. The hot guy is named Dan and he’s, like, in the Army, too, or whatever.

It’s 2003, when I was, like, 4 or something, lol, so why do I give a shit?  Lololol!  Just kidding. So, they are in Iran or Iraq or something looking for this bin Laden guy, but nobody can find him. First, they start beating this busted, dirty, hairy guy up and shit, like, really bad. Then they talk to some other busted, dirty, hairy guys and do that water boarding shit which is kinda amazeballs to see them do it for real, but it’s an epic fail. Maya gets all upset about the torture and she goes to complain to the guy from “Friday Night Lights.” Then there were some more cute guys talking about bin Laden and some kind of “chaka laka laka” phlegmy names and how are they going to find him, blah blah blah.

So, a lot of time goes by and Maya gets promoted and a lot of people get blown up which was sad. Dan is still trying to beat information out of some more busted, dirty, hairy guys and even puts a dog collar on one, and Maya is upset at that and is all, “We’re frenamies now.” So, then, I thought, like, this is boring. I mean it was all “Beat people up, talk talk talk, something blows up, talk talk talk, blah blah blah, where’s bin Laden?”, so I left and decided to plex a little and see some other movies and then come back. Yolo, right?

I accidentally walked into “Lincoln” and then left fast, because I already learned about him and the South were all haters and everything.  So I grabbed some glasses and snuck into “Texas Chainsaw 3-D”!  Holy shitballs!  It was like regular “Texas Chainsaw” movies, but SUPERSIZED, y’all!  Awwwwww, jeah. Then my best friend Darla texted me and was all, “ICYMI, Jeff Garber is now going out with slut Jennifer Byron” and I was all, “WTF?!!?”.  Then I watched somebody get put into a meat grinder and then I went back to “Zero Dark Thirty.”

So, now all these people watching the apartment complex where they think Bin Laden is. They’re just waiting to go storm the place and get him and it’s real tense because they don’t really know if he’s in there and Maya is all swag and says, “I know he’s SO in there.” Okay, SPOILER ALERT: So they go get him and kill him and Maya identifies the body and everybody’s all, “yay, we got him.”

Then Maya gets on the plane and gets all emo and it’s over.

“Zero Dark Thirty” was just okay, I guess. I don’t know. I get the realness of it all, and the tension, but I asked myself, like, is killing so many, and robbing humans of their dignity and sacrificing civility worth the capture of one individual? They never asked for recognition or commendation, so maybe it was all for country…but I can’t help but wonder if the screenwriters were just bringing in the ideology of the Bush administration and driving home a pro-torture stance. Maybe it was just about moral ambiguity. I guess those are the points Oscar-winning director Katherine Bigelow is trying to make, but I left with a great deal of uncertainty. And that kind of sucked ass. Then I had to go sweep up some M&M’s some fat bitch spilled while she tried to get into her seat.

I believe it was Nietzsche who said, “The best weapon against an enemy is another enemy”.

So, yeah, no, go see it if you want. I don’t know. Whatev’s.