Zoophiles and Animals Unite to Defend Bestiality at a Berlin Press Conference

BERLIN — A German lawmaker declared Parliament is in the process of passing a law explicitly banning bestiality. This would make sex with animals punishable with a fine up to 25,000 euros ($32,000 USD).

German zoophile group ZETA (Zoophile Engagement for Tolerance and Information), relish their freedom to screw animals and vow to organize a legal challenge should this law pass. CETAH (Creatures for Ethical Treatment of all Humans) support ZETA’s endeavor, but feel matters should be taken even one step further.

Tony the Tiger, a vocal and committed member of CETAH, spoke up at a recent press conference in Berlin. “I don’t think it’s fair for zoophiles to have their behavior modified,” Tony began. “If they want to poke me with their peckers and frost me with their flakes, that’s their prerogative. And quite frankly, I usually think it’s grrrrreat.”

Bestiality was eliminated from Germany’s penal code in 1969 and since then is only against the law if “significant harm” is inflicted on the animal. It is unclear where S&M with animals falls in this legislation.

Winnie the Pooh spoke next. “Oh bother. I think what Tony is trying to say is that every person has a right to their sexuality. But in the same token, so does every animal. This is why we’d like to instate a law where every animal has the right to fuck a human wherever and whenever he pleases.”

The Cat in the Hat cleared his throat just before the meeting’s conclusion and spoke. “I know it’s progressive, this law we propose, but it’s really as simple as a book or a rose. Humans enjoy a good prod now and then, and so does a cat, or a horse or a hen. So if we all get together and support this new law, we can please every person with a hand or a paw.”