News Makeup
Today's Headlines
Trump Compares Ivanka To Syrian Children: “She’s Also Suffered A Lot As My Daughter, Had To Move Between Countries All The Time Just Like Them”
Spicer: “Trump Has The Legal Right To Cancel SCOTUS Because They Serve At His Pleasure”
White Supremacist Lynches Himself after Learning of His Black Ancestry
John Hagee Calls For “Prosecuting Women Who Say God’s Name During Intercourse”
read moreDonald Trump Promises To Stop “The Crazy Muslims From North Korea”
Washington, D.C. – Within hours of North Korea’s nuclear test Friday, it had become a political weapon in the U.S. The test – Pyongyang’s fifth and most powerful – had enough force to “rip the heart out of a city,” one expert said. It marks one more step in North […]
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Ted Cruz: “Helping Texans Is Not Like Helping New Orleans, Hurricane Sandy Was Righteous”
“Maybe New Orleans should ask the French or Canadian government for help, in their native language. I’m sure they take care of their own”
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Donald Trump Promises To Stop “The Crazy Muslims From North Korea”
Washington, D.C. – Within hours of North Korea’s nuclear test Friday, it had become a political weapon in the U.S. The test – Pyongyang’s fifth and most powerful – had enough force to “rip the heart out of a city,” one expert said. It marks one more step in North […]
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Trump Jr.: “It’s Perfectly Legitimate That My Lawyer Got Paid With 2020 Campaign Money, Because, If Anything Happens To My Father, I’ll Be The Next President”
New federal filings show that President Donald Trump’s re-election campaign is paying Donald Trump Jr.’s defense attorney. Just two weeks prior to the release of emails documenting Trump, Jr.s’ meeting with Kremlin-linked attorney Nataliya Veselnitskaya, Trump’s reelection campaign paid $50,000 to the law offices of Alan Futerfas, The Daily Beast […]
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Trump Compares Ivanka To Syrian Children: “She’s Also Suffered A Lot As My Daughter, Had To Move Between Countries All The Time Just Like Them”
On the same day the first daughter represented the United States at the G20 in Hamburg, President Donald Trump suggested Ivanka Trump should be pitied. “If she weren’t my daughter, it would be so much easier for her,” Trump claimed. “It might be the only bad thing she has going […]
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Paul Ryan: “22 Million Americans Choose To Be Poor, So It’s Their Own Problem If They Can’t Afford To Be Healthy”
House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-WI) this week disputed reports that 22 million people would lose insurance under the Republican health care plan. During an interview that aired on Tuesday, Fox News host Brian Kilmeade asked Ryan to respond to a recent Congressional Budget Office (CBO) report that said there would […]
Our Selected Narrative
Politics
Eric Trump: “Nepotism Is How Americans Repay My Father For The Pro-Bono Work He’s Doing As President”
President Donald Trump’s son Eric insists he was placed in control of his father’s business because of his talent. In a candid interview with Forbes, […]
U.S.
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White Supremacist Lynches Himself after Learning of His Black Ancestry
“I didn’t expect that,” said audience member Jon Baker. “Being here I figured we’d be treated to some wacky, Maury Povich-type stuff. But a real-life, up-close hanging? That’s straight out of a Tarantino flick.”
Media
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Pat Robertson Unveils Gay-Repelling Necklace
“Lots of people wrote in to ask how they can protect themselves from these queer, ring-toting murderers,” Robertson said Thursday. “Well, that made me realize I had to come clean about my anti-gay necklace. It’s time for the world to know.”
Entertainment
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Introduction to Fantasy Sports>
A fantasy sport, which is also less commonly referred to as roto or rotisserie, is a kind of (predominantly) internet game where players gather imaginary […]
Sports
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Adam Silver: “White Men Can’t What?!”
“Well, maybe white people can’t jump, but Jews can sure dunk”
World
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Donald Trump Jr. Claims Quebec Shooter Was Muslim Because “Christians Aren’t Allowed To Kill”
“It’s been almost two weeks since my dad was inaugurated and there haven’t been any racial or religious murders. And you want to tell me that has nothing to do with the fact that Barack Hussein Obama is no longer president? Come on”
New York
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Rudi Giuliani: “For Obama, America Is The Same As Michelle – No Love, But No Other Option”
I can think of 6,999,999,999 people on this planet who could do a better job as President
Washington DC
Republican Bill To Allow Companies To Force Employees To Do Genetic Test “In Order To Prove They Are God-fearing”
A little-noticed bill moving through Congress would allow companies to require employees to undergo genetic testing or risk paying a penalty of thousands of dollars, […]
#NoNeedtoSatirize
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Carl Kerby: “Dinosaurs Were In Noah’s Ark, He Took The Babies”
“I would suggest to you they didn’t take the big old dinosaur – they would have taken the younger ones”
